I don't have anything against the Victoria's Secret Fashion show...other than the fact that it reminds me of my double digit weight days (totally personal) and the fact that I have been on a huge "numbing out" television and internet bender....
They say re-entry into the "real world" after training can be somewhat of a rocky transition. I didn't think it would be other than missing Ana and the wonderful friends I made, all 46 of them (49 including the assistants).
But it IS challenging. It's scary to keep your heart open in a world that teaches us to shut down; it takes courage to keep speaking the truth to a society that doesn't want to hear it; and it takes strength to battle the demons that have plagued your life - because believe me, they don't just go away...they get fancier.
It took: me realizing I had pinned about 3,000 pins in the last two weeks on pinterest, me realizing I had watched about 30 episodes of Sex in the City and over 10 hours of HGTV, me realizing that when I taught my "safely planned" class today...I was bored with myself. And that's an awful feeling. I don't want to live life constantly numbing out in the midst of transitions, and turning on the tv/computer/ipad to avoid reality.
My teacher Rebecca has been speaking about vulnerability and what a virtue it truly is. It takes courage to be vulnerable, and in turn, vulnerability is the driving force behind most monumental change and success. I made a list of fears in between teaching one class and taking the next today:
1). I'm afraid of being mediocre and not living up to my potential
2). I'm afraid that if I leave my parents house, they'll die.
3). I'm afraid of being boring.
4). I'm afraid of gaining weight and getting "fat."
5). I'm afraid of not being perfect (or not trying to be anyway).
6). When things are going really well for me in either career, love, or family, I'm constantly waiting for something bad to happen.
7). I am afraid that I am not in control of pretty much anything.
8). I'm afraid that if I don't stop numbing out, I'll always be afraid.
Fears are normal. Everybody has them. But I don't want to be ruled by mine. I came to the conclusion today that I can start by addressing number 8. I refuse to turn on the TV in order to avoid planning my future, to avoid facing the fact that my parents are human, to avoid failure. I'm putting myself out there and I'm pouring my heart and my vulnerability into every aspect of my life. Nothing sounds worse to me than playing it "safe" to avoid falling on my face. Safe is boring and I never want to be the cause of my own boredom...plus, I've fallen before, and it's not so bad.
