The Truth about Lies

"And then I turned 10. and this...here, this is when I started lying." gulp. I suddenly remembered to breath. It surprised me to feel the weight of this confession because it didn't feel that heavy when I wrote it the night before. Bridget had me create a timeline of my life - from birth to present day.  "It will serve you to see the patterns in your life so that you can begin to see what happens before and after the huge events." she said.

I have a hard time with trust. I don't trust boys, and often times I don't trust girls either. I've been cheated on before and it feels like a stab to the heart with a simultaneous kick to the gut. Just plain awful.  Since the cheating (circa 20 years old) I blamed my problems, behaviors, and beliefs on that doomed relationship. "Oh well you see, I went through your phone because my last boyfriend cheated," or "I can't trust you, I trusted my last boyfriend and look what happened," or even worse "you must be cheating, because your roommate is cheating." Regardless of  the circumstance, trust has been a continual battle for me.

I kept reading...

"And then I turned 18, and I cheated on my boyfriend, and then I turned 19 and I cheated on him again...and then I was about to cheat on him again, but we broke up."  Shit. I DO remember feeling the weight of that as I had written it on the timeline.  I had honestly forgotten about my cheating...for the longest time I had looked upon cheating with so much judgement and disgust, that I failed to recognize...I'm the person that introduced this to myself! I was the first cheater....

Then...the breakthrough. "Consider for a moment, that you don't trust yourself," Bridget said. Silence. I knew my heart needed some work...but I never thought I could've been the cause of my own heart break. In truth, I am.  And it started at age 10. When I began to betray the person I should've loved the most. When I began to lie to make friends in a new school, lie to ward off rejection, lie to get a boyfriend, lie lie lie.

So I see this timeline in front of me...and I see the patterns. Make a big transition, lie to make it comfortable - get hurt, lie to callous the heart - stay in a city that's eating away at my soul (and body), hmmm denial (fancy lying)!

I have amazing intuition but I betray it constantly.  "Don't second guess yourself," Rebecca constantly tells me. Love is Divine power.  LOVE and TRUST should radiate from within. How can I ever expect to trust anyone, if I don't trust myself?

I've made an oath to myself: no more lying...even the small stuff. Because whoever said "A white like never hurt anyone," is full of shit.  Lying is poisonous. It took 3 car accidents, one apartment break in, and a scary biopsy result for me to break free from denial and get honest with myself.

I have read this passage from 1 Corinthians several times, but it's really hitting home these days:

 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 

⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  

⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

And p.s. if you get offended because I'm late to your party because I tell you that I was sitting in my underwear unable to pry myself away from a book - don't take it personally...I'm just not making up fancy lies anymore.