Be strong, my heart

I haven't written in a VERY long time. Due to several reasons.

I got married in the last month, so as wedding planning became my second Full-time job (it's intense!) I got busier and busier.

OK so the real reason is that about 4 or 5 months before the wedding I went on major shut down/numb out mode. Along with getting married came a loaded bundle of transitions. And getting married to the love of my life came with moving to Florida - where he works. That meant saying goodbye to my family, who, for the most part all live in Texas. Furthermore, it meant saying goodbye to the studio who gave me my first Yoga teaching job, and the amazing community of Yogis who were my first students. It broke my heart, and I wasn't willing to feel it.

Part of what we teach in Forrest Yoga is how to develop a warrior's heart. What that means is creating a strong, courageous heart...and that doesn't mean a heart that strongly resists hurt/pain/tragedy. On the contrary, - a warrior faces their path head on: with courage, with willingness, with excitement. One of my mentors often spoke in my mentorship program about staying open to feeling everything. We can't feel extreme joy or pleasure, without being open to feeing the opposite. Hurt, pain, and suffering go hand in hand with the other more appealing emotions.

There were parts of my wedding preparation I was missing out on because I chose to live in a somewhat numbed stupor. I chose to take the "busy bee" approach and for a while I didn't slow down to enjoy the beauty of this rite of passage on which I was about to embark.

The universe always has a wonderful way of saying "hello, wake up!" I threw myself into my classes giving them my all, taking on my first handful of private clients and subbing as much as I could. The busier I was, the more I could handle it all. But this didn't last long. A few months before the wedding I started to experience some pretty intense pain in my lower back - what I thought was my SI joint. It got so intense that even walking was painful. I was forced to take it easy. I couldn't demo in my classes. I had to limit the number of classes I was subbing. And I had to learn to enjoy the gentle and healing choices in my own Yoga practice. The beauty was, I never felt better in a Yoga class - I was forced to stay present and I learned to access pleasure even in my most limited practice.

On my bachelorette party trip (if you can call it that) I got so sick that I ended up in the ER in Las Vegas. (It had nothing to do with alcohol either).  I developed a stomach infection.  I was desperate and so frustrated with the fact that I was literally falling apart. I contacted another mentor and she replied, "What can't you stomach right now?"

The truth was that I wasn't willing to digest all the events going on in my life. I wasn't willing to feel the joy that could also cause some pain, some tears, some sadness. I wasn't even enjoying the last few weeks with my family as I had become the ultimate bridezilla - bossing people around and getting mad at nothing. Getting mad and yelling at people for me was easier than enjoying them and realizing these were the last few moments I'd be living in their house. How messed up is that???

One of my mentors Catherine Allen told us a story at my last mentorship meeting. She explained that she loved her animals so very much, that sometimes she would look at them while they were peacefully sleeping on her couch and just start sobbing because of the fact that one day they were going to die. And what she realized, through her husband's advice (don't you just hate how naturally Yogic men can be??); why not love what is precious and dear now -  instead of worrying about what may happen in the future?

It took a month of physical pain and exhaustion for me to come to my senses. Literally, I had to re-embody my body!

Love what is precious now. Don't numb out and wait for something big to wake you up. Don't wait until you're 1,000 miles away from the ones you love wishing it was your wedding day everyday! And yes, living with an open, warriors' heart may bring some tears, some pain - but I'd much rather have those memories to live by, then blank pockets of time filled with no emotion.