Core Power.

Last week I learned a very valuable lesson in my Yoga practice that I'd love to share with you. I learned that listening to your gut (literally) is far more rewarding than giving into the ego (duh, right?).

I know many of you might be rolling your eyes thinking "well of course!!!" And as always, these cliche notions are always easier said than done.

So last week, I couldn't feel my abdominal muscles (literally) and fell over with a huge SMACK! onto my head and back after attempting to do a handstand in the middle of the room. And this jarred me! It shook me way deeper than just the physical effects of falling on your head (headache, neck pain, stiff joints etc). My spirit was spooked...and I've been stalking this feeling ever since....

Upon my stalking, I know a few things for certain: I kicked up into handstand with confidence, felt that my legs were disengaged, felt my feet flailing, knew I needed to just draw my knees into my chest...but I couldn't. There was a gap of empty space where my hips should be connected to my core. I couldn't feel anything. And as is common with most "accidents" everything felt as if it was in slow motion, and I toppled over.

I kept asking myself afterwards, "why couldn't I just pull my damn knees into my chest instead of falling over and hurting myself?!?!" It seems so logical!!

The rest of the week I felt lost. I felt like a wandering ghost! Later on in the week, a student left during the middle of one of my classes. This had not happened to me yet in my 3 months of teaching, but I knew it was bound to happen as I've been told that Yoga teachers literally see everything in the Yoga room. She was packing up, and I asked her if she was ok, to which she guiltily replied "Oh yeah I just need to leave early," both of us knew that wasn't true but I mustered up a sweet smile and unlocked the door for her.

By the end of Thursday evening I felt as if someone had kicked me in the stomach...I guess I could say at least I was feeling something in my gut!

See the thing is, I know not to attach my self worth to a pose, to a class, to a student, to the money in our donation box after the class, but I have not been able to drop those attachments. There's a part of me that so desires to carry everyone in my Yoga classes on my shoulders. I want them to laugh, and I want them to smile, I want them to feel good...and when I decide to teach a deep hip-opening class I question changing it up in the middle of a sequence when the room gets so very silent...because it's intense, deep, work. Emotions will come up for them, and they're not always rainbows and sunshine!

But I am realizing this is my job. This is why I am here on this earth, and this is why I am teaching the style of Yoga that I do. It's my job to take students to intense places, its my job to take people to their edge and help them create the space for healing. And its my job to do this self work right along with them, so that when I fall on my face (or back of my head) I can tell them that there is a lesson there, that growth is coming, that this too shall pass. 

So I know that my ego got ahead of me. I know that I saw pictures of my comrades in beautiful wall-less handstands, and I know that I thought that being a great teacher meant being able to float up into a perfect wall-less inversion. And I guess I had to learn that in a not so pain-free way...literally! 

But what I also know now as I keep doing this work, is that sometimes the sweetest Yoga is connecting to your breath, fully savoring every inhale, and delighting in every exhale - in the simplest of poses. The sweetest Yoga is knowing what your journey is, and when to listen to your gut instinct. That may be waiting until the core get's stronger or more connected until you bid adieu to the wall; that may be coming into dolphin pose and skipping chaturranga when your shoulders are bothering you; and that may be taking core work on the wall when you're just too exhausted to do core work {off the wall} correctly .

Today, I'm still reflecting on why last week's events really affected me. While I'm searching, what you can count on from me in the coming days is plenty of core work. You see,  I'm on a mission to bridge the gap between my hips and my core - and I offer this to my students humbly. Together we'll practice; mending and breathing to create the space for deeper healing.