When I was 4 I cried my eyes out through half of kindergarten.
When I had my first communion, I sobbed loudly through the entire mass.
When my parents dropped me off at Stanford, I cried the first two weeks straight.
"Be a big girl," I was constantly told, and I'm sure other women can relate. I had to be a big girl and give my pacifier up when I was barely a year old, I had to be a big girl and trade the diapers in if I wanted the barbie and disney princess underwear. But even today, at 26, (going on 27 next week yay!). I don't feel like a big girl.
I'm engaged, and I'm terrified of getting married. Not because I don't want to spend the rest of my life with the man I'm crazy about...but because I have no clue what I'm getting myself into and because I'm realizing that it's not just a fun wedding/party. It's a sacred right of passage. I have never taken the time to honor this before; to honor myself and let myself grieve losing a little bit of the past as I step into my future.
"You're playing house," Bridget said in my session today. Bridget is an amazing woman - a doula, a Shaman, an Ana Forrest Yoga Guardian...I mean...fucking incredible. Playing house was my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE thing to play when I was little. And I agree. I don't know why, but I know that I am.
The little girl in me is going crazy, and she's freaked out. I have no clue what I'm supposed to be like as a wife, as a grown woman, as a mother...etc. But as I'm learning to deal with the counterclockwise motion of my Navel Chakra, I'm going to start by honoring the past, and giving that lost little girl a voice to walk me through this next chapter of life.
So far I know she wants me to hold her hand, she wants a big sister, and she wants to be able to ask for help. The more I listen, the more she talks.
As we study the third and soon the fourth Chakra, I want to keep her voice alive. I need her, just as much as she needs me.
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