Walk This Way

"Can you acknowledge that this right here is the beginning of your healing process?" Gabby said.

Such a profound and perfect statement...I was speechless.  I had just nervously admitted to our study group that I felt "stuck" in my navel Chakra, and that I didn't know how to begin to work on it...and I was also trying to choke back the tears that I knew wouldn't stop if I let them free.

This statement kept popping in my head as I sat in the waiting room today. This visit will make the 5th or 6th (I lost count) for this year alone.

Let me catch you up to date. I had cervical cell issues in 2008 which led to some minor surgery. I felt better for about a year, and then started experiencing all sorts of pain and discomfort at the beginning of 2010, which led to a series of medical examinations, painful biopsies, aka you name it I've probably done it to figure out my problems in the last couple of years.

I usually sit in that waiting room in a nervous cold sweat and a frustrating inability to sit still. My symptoms had taken a sabbatical for months, but unfortunately, they came back...with a vengeance.

I've been practicing Yoga for almost 10 years now. I still remember the yoga video my mom had bought from Sam's Club so I could improve my flexibility in Ballet. Then it was Bikram; it was Bikram twice a day everyday. I loved the workout aspect yoga offered but trust me as soon as a teacher went "hippy dippy" on me and mentioned the word "Chakras" or any other Sanskrit word that wasn't a pose I'd mentally check out in a heartbeat. "Fuck that" was my exact thought.

And then...its funny to me how life changes and you are in the perfect place to receive that very guidance that once seemed repulsive. I don't know if it's because of my 20 career path changes, or my relationship failures, or my eating disorders, or the decline of my health, but when Rebecca announced the Chakra Immersion Study group, I knew without a doubt I wanted part of that. BIG TIME.  We started in the Root with family tribalisms, and moved on to the Navel Chakra last week.

So, after two weeks I can admit that I know I'm a control freak, I know I have trust issues, I know I am competitive, and I know I am my own worst critic. But today I say "FUCK THAT."  Those are patterns I picked up along my 26 year (and counting) journey, but they do NOT define me.

Today I choose to unplug from that which does not serve me and I choose to no longer let my illnesses become my identity, and I trust that my community will hold me accountable.

It didn't bother me that my doctor ordered yet another procedure next week. It really didn't. In the past I would have broken down, cried, and called my poor mother....but I rest easy knowing that my healing process has already begun.

I prefer Faith over fear, and from now on, I choose to walk this way.