"People decide to live a spiritual life, they think it's going to be all flower petals
and incense; but really it's much more like 'I can't eat my dinner because I've just learned
something upsetting about myself.'"
something upsetting about myself.'"
- David Hawkins, Transcending the Mind
I couldn't agree more. I actually feel sick to my stomach right now. I caught myself in a pattern today. I've mentioned this before but I am hyper-competitive. Like to the millionth degree. So much so, that I even do it subconsciously: in the Starbucks line, in the mall, on my mat, even in church!
New to our class today were two Forrest Yogis. One girl I had met before, and the other I met for the first time. They were lovely - smiling, beaming, and happy to be there. I enjoyed meeting them but I immediately felt that feeling...the heart pounding competitive, "can you pike," "how good are you," emotion that haunts most of my new experiences and encounters. I caught myself and made a pledge to myself at the beginning of class: keep your eyes on your mat. On YOUR mat. I managed to do that somewhat successfully. But as much as I'm ashamed to admit, class flew by in a blur and I was left with that kind of feeling you get when you park your car because you've arrived at your destination and think "how the fuck did I even get here?" My mind kept conjuring up thoughts like "What if they teach here, and then there's no room for you?," "What if they're better than you?"
And so I used the only tool I had on my way home. I stalked my fear. Then I saw the pattern. I meet someone, I see competition, and a wall immediately goes up. I did this in Community College when I knew there were only two full scholarships available at TCU. I made one good friend and 15 enemies. I did this in Ballet. I wasn't the best and I knew that, so I became one of the mean girls. I went over and over tons of situations until I came to a painful discovery. It started with my sister. I resented her existence from the moment she was born. She was a threat to my codependent relationship with my mother. I thought she would take my mom's attention away from me.
But she has never come close to doing so. She has always loved me, and always been there for me. She protected me from my nightmares as I would sneak into her room so I wouldn't have to sleep alone. She always defended me when my parents were upset, and she was and is the biggest supporter of any leap I've taken in this life. I don't see her as competition anymore, but I do see that our relationship is not where I'd like it to be because so early on I allowed fear to take the steering wheel.
And then I looked deeper. Why was I so scared that my sister would take my mother away? Why am I scared of meeting new people? What's the big deal? There will always be someone better at handstands, better at back bends, better at eating healthy, better at curling their hair, etc etc. Could I not just set the competition aside and let it go? I'm perfect and enough right where I am today, this second, and the next one. Competition, building walls, and pushing people away have only hurt my relationships in the past. I want to put those fears aside - better yet, I want to keep stalking them and rewire my mind.
Ok Fear, so what if she wants to teach here? I see your point, let me raise one too - what if she becomes my best friend?
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