Let it Rot

I don't have much time to write. I need to be asleep in 15 mins so I can wake up at 4am.  I'm at the beginning of my training journey and I can't tell you how much I am loving it - devouring every second I can. It's also surreal. I am tempted to pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming.

It's intense, and it's amazing.

Yesterday, we touched on the concept of rotting...as a very powerful and good thing.  I think of a rotting apple and I want to puke...but then...I think about holding on to resentment and expectations of forgiveness and that makes me want to puke too. Why would I want to keep putting my heart (and expectations) in the hands of someone who hurt me?

A thought came to mind that I hadn't thought of in years. A long time ago, I was stood up by a boy. Now I know it sounds silly and juvenile...and it was, but it also deeply hurt me. I remember how excited I was about this date: how I had carefully planned my outfit, how I had cancelled plans with my best friend - and then, how my heart started to sink when the time neared 9pm and how I knew that he was not coming. And all these years, (subconsciously and consciously) I have been waiting for an apology...some sort of closure, some explanation for what on earth happened?  Yesterday, I let that expectation rot.  I released myself and that person of my expectations. I resigned, "I don't need your apology, my life is complete as is."

And it felt good. No, I wasn't in tears...and I wouldn't consider it a huge "Aha" breakthrough moment. But I waved the white flag of surrender.

Today, I received a message from an old friend. We had a falling-out moment in college and haven't spoken much since. She apologized to me for the loss of our friendship. Today I was in tears. I had never expected an apology from her because I felt that I was responsible for the end of that friendship, and was waiting for the perfect time to apologize myself.  I was deeply touched and humbled by her authenticity, and I was floored by this gift the Universe brought me.  The gift of rekindling a relationship with a friend I deeply love.

Life is so much sweeter, so beautiful, and so wonderfully raw if we live without expectations. Let them rot...they could become the fertilizer for something more beautiful than we ever imagined.