I wonder so many things. How many people will be there? How good are they going to be? Am I good enough? And I don't like to admit that because I am working on accepting that in all moments of my life I am enough. But I'm human, and I have moments of weakness, and in those moments fear abounds.
"Karmen why do you like yoga?" Rebecca asks in the middle of my practice teaching sun salutations - completely blindsiding me. "uuuuhhhh...."(silence. shit shit shit, I can't think of anything. say anything, lie damnit! but lying isn't an option and its almost like my body can't even do it anymore.) "Because it gets me out of me head!!!" I'm finally able to blurt out, thankful that my body produced a response.
But it's true. I have such a busy mind and its torturous at times. Yoga calms that shit down. People wouldn't believe the crap my mind can conjure up. Every time I get on a plane (I have a phobia of flying) I imagine how I'm going to die in a plane crash and text my parents and fiance how much I love them right before take off because I'm convinced that I won't survive it; and I strongly feel the need to send those I love you texts so they can have them as my final words. Much like my plane phobia, I let fears get the best of me a lot of the time. I fear that I won't be the teacher my community needs or wants.
As we study the 6th chakra (the power of the mind), I'm learning the difference between my perception and the illusions I've created to form my reality. Every single time I finish a round of practice teaching all my classmates cheer and clap...and it's hard for me to accept that they are clapping for me. But watching and experiencing this out pour of love, acceptance, and encouragement has been like having laser surgery for my cloudy vision. I'm slowly but surely beginning to see that my peers already perceive me as someone with an ability to help and to teach others. And it feels good. It feels great, especially as I move on to my Chicago adventure.
This week I received my animal spirit guide in my energy session with Bridget. An animal spirit guide is a teacher/ mentor/ friend who comes in the form of an animal, to guide you. And I'm totally excited about this: it's a Sea Turtle!!! A little bit about my wise friend:
"These creatures are methodical, determined and
patient. Whether they live on land or in the sea
they represent steady
energy and long life. They also both represent independence, travel, and
the ability to not be tied down or chained to one place as they both
carry their home with them wherever they desire to be.
They posses
strong self-protection in the form of their home shells, they can pull
their extremities into their shell which offers them safety from outside
threats."
My fears are not gone. I'll probably always walk with them, but I can choose to let them create my reality or I can choose to see right through the illusions they create. As training approaches, I know the fears will come and go. That's the nature and beauty of this life. But I won't allow my fears to paralyze me. Instead, in honor of my friend the sea turtle, "Just keep swimming," will be my motto for the next two months.
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