Wake up and smell the moments!

New Year, New You!

New Year, New You?

I love the feeling of a fresh start that comes with ringing in a new year. I set new goals, revisit past ones, and look ahead at all the exciting moments that are to come.

This morning, after my morning Yoga practice, I felt an overwhelming sense of melancholy and sadness. At first, I couldn't put my finger on what exactly it was...am I frustrated with my teaching?...hmm possibly, but that wasn't it...am I sad Christmas is over? Sure, a little. But that wasn't quite it either. It really perplexed me because I had a wonderful practice, and all though my poses aren't quite where I'd like them to be, I feel content with how my practice is evolving.

I kept digging as I drove home (not the safest environment for soul searching I'll admit, I tend to drive like a crazy person as it is), and I found myself going to an exciting moment in the future - my wedding. And there it was! I realized that too often in life I numb out during the little moments, the "in between exciting moments," so that I can look forward to the next and not feel the sadness of what's already over. And I'm really good at this. I think it's partially because of my long distance relationship with my fiance. It's so painful to have short little meetings and having to constantly say goodbye, so I've become an expert and numbing out when he's gone, and life zooms past me really fast because my mind is always looking towards our next meeting.

Now, I don't think daydreaming is bad at all, and I don't think it's wrong to be looking forward to my wedding. But how many times do we sit and say, "damn that year flew by so fast?" Time does fly, and my coping mechanism of spacing out and focusing on the future makes my life feel like it's on fast forward!

One of my fellow teachers/mentor/dear friend, led me through an exercise yesterday. I wrote words that I wanted to feel in 2013: passionate, alive, confident, strong, sexy! and so forth in my journal. Then she said, "assume those feelings right now, in this moment."  And for a second, I did. I felt confident, I felt strong, and I felt powerful, in that very moment, I wasn't dreaming of what those feelings would feel like, I felt them. I found that fascinating - not to mention my practice in the class that followed felt freaking amazing!!!

So I'd like to challenge myself, and challenge you too. What if we kept our goals, those badass goals we have for 2013, but already embody those feelings we want to experience when we achieve them?

I want to be an amazing teacher.

I want to help heal the world.

I want to freaking pike into handstand.

I want to gravity surf like my life depends on it.

I want to be with my future husband everyday.

Those are some of my goals. And although I'm sad my fiance left, and sometimes I'm frustrated my "piking" feels like a belly flop...I can already embody the feelings of confidence, power, and sexiness that I know I'll feel when I get to those moments.  I challenge myself to wake up everyday and live in the moment, whether it be happy or sad, knowing that I can also embody the feelings I look forward to - right now. I choose to celebrate today, to love my half handstand, to love my half turn signal, to love that as I teach I am growing/learning/ improving, to love my handful of dedicated badass students...because it is all just as beautiful as the next accomplishment.

No, I'm not watching the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show....

Numb out - Miss out.

I don't have anything against the Victoria's Secret Fashion show...other than the fact that it reminds me of my double digit weight days (totally personal) and the fact that I have been on a huge "numbing out" television and internet bender....

They say re-entry into the "real world" after training can be somewhat of a rocky transition. I didn't think it would be other than missing Ana and the wonderful friends I made, all 46 of them (49 including the assistants).

But it IS challenging. It's scary to keep your heart open in a world that teaches us to shut down; it takes courage to keep speaking the truth to a society that doesn't want to hear it; and it takes strength to battle the demons that have plagued your life - because believe me, they don't just go away...they get fancier.

It took: me realizing I had pinned about 3,000 pins in the last two weeks on pinterest, me realizing I had watched about 30 episodes of Sex in the City and over 10 hours of HGTV, me realizing that when I taught my "safely planned" class today...I was bored with myself.  And that's an awful feeling.  I don't want to live life constantly numbing out in the midst of transitions, and turning on the tv/computer/ipad to avoid reality.

My teacher Rebecca has been speaking about vulnerability and what a virtue it truly is. It takes courage to be vulnerable, and in turn, vulnerability is the driving force behind most monumental change and success. I made a list of fears in between teaching one class and taking the next today:

1). I'm afraid of being mediocre and not living up to my potential

2). I'm afraid that if I leave my parents house, they'll die.

3). I'm afraid of being boring.

4). I'm afraid of gaining weight and getting "fat."

5). I'm afraid of not being perfect (or not trying to be anyway).

6). When things are going really well for me in either career, love, or family, I'm constantly waiting for something bad to happen.

7). I am afraid that I am not in control of pretty much anything.

8). I'm afraid that if I don't stop numbing out, I'll always be afraid.

Fears are normal. Everybody has them. But I don't want to be ruled by mine. I came to the conclusion today that I can start by addressing number 8. I refuse to turn on the TV in order to avoid planning my future, to avoid facing the fact that my parents are human, to avoid failure. I'm putting myself out there and I'm pouring my heart and my vulnerability into every aspect of my life.  Nothing sounds worse to me than playing it "safe" to avoid falling on my face. Safe is boring and I never want to be the cause of my own boredom...plus, I've fallen before, and it's not so bad.

Farewell, Farewell

Where to begin...

I'm still processing everything that has happened in the past 26 days. I'm sure it may even take years to process everything. I feel grateful, sad, hopeful, nostalgic (yes, already), honored, empowered, confident, exhilarated, and many many other adjectives/adverbs that will never do justice to this life changing experience.

Never waste a good trigger...

I went into training knowing I had the tendency to strive towards perfection. And even though I know its impossible to be perfect, it's a motto I've lived by my whole life.  So you can imagine how frustrated I was the first half of my training when I wasn't getting as much "praise" or "attention" or "assists" as my mind had decided I needed in order for training to go perfectly. This is the beauty of working with Ana Forrest. NOTHING in this training happens coincidentally. It all has purpose.

I had such a hard time staying grounded and on my mat. But you better believe I knew everyday who was the one sobbing, who walked in late, who was making the monkey noises (yes, there were very loud monkey noises during the intensive at times). I definitely knew who was getting the assists at all times. I even contemplated "junking up" my poses a little bit just for that attention I desperately craved.  And there was my belief on what I would allow my emotional release to be. Beautiful Hollywood style tears rolling down my cheeks were what I envisioned to be the perfect "release" for me.

I had it planned out and it just wasn't going my way. And then I caught myself in a pattern. My self mutilations. What do I do when I'm not in control: I sulk, I pout, I trash talk myself, I give up/quit...I begin to starve my body. I traced back my anorexia as a coping method to deal with that which is not in my control.

So I began to stalk my fear.  I decided to use the remainder of my time to try to find the excitement and adventure in not resorting to my usual tendencies. And I thought I was doing well, I felt pretty proud, I thought I had healed myself!!!

Until the assists started rolling in. The first was an assist to my stomach. One of the assistants started kneading in clockwise circles across the organs of my stomach; I had a visceral, autonomic response of tears and gasping breaths (even though I tried my damnest to withhold). Yes, I am no longer anorexic but I had never considered how much scarred tissue was there...I never even touch my stomach. I cried and cried because I heard my body saying "love me, I need it, I need help in healing."

Another day I recall was one in which I swear I was never left alone in any pose I did. It started in wrist stretches when Ana touched my neck to relax it and the tears started pouring out. "Let it go" she gently coached, so I let some "pretty tears" out.  That wasn't deep enough.  "Let it go" she kept saying all class, "let the perfection go," and then I found myself in warrior I, with her fingers deep under my shoulder blade, choking on my own sobs, crying louder then I think I ever have. I closed my eyes and saw the two year old with her "orthopedic" shoes striving to do anything to be perfect - to please others.  And my heart broke for her. "Let it go" she kept saying as we progressed to the apex pose, "it's ok, let it go, you're ok, release it."

By the end of class I was curled up in a fetal position with one of the assistants cradling me like a baby. Intense - sure, powerful - YES.

Perfection...why have I been so wedded to it? It has caused me so much pain. And I know I'm not alone.  I decided to burn and bury that sucker here in Chicago. I don't need you perfection, I want a divorce.

And on my last day, I had the perfect words scripted in my head to say to Ana. But when we hugged goodbye, I was so overwhelmed with emotion that I couldn't find any words to say other than "thank you" several times. It wasn't my perfectly envisioned ending, but it was as it should have been...and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Let it Rot

I don't have much time to write. I need to be asleep in 15 mins so I can wake up at 4am.  I'm at the beginning of my training journey and I can't tell you how much I am loving it - devouring every second I can. It's also surreal. I am tempted to pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming.

It's intense, and it's amazing.

Yesterday, we touched on the concept of rotting...as a very powerful and good thing.  I think of a rotting apple and I want to puke...but then...I think about holding on to resentment and expectations of forgiveness and that makes me want to puke too. Why would I want to keep putting my heart (and expectations) in the hands of someone who hurt me?

A thought came to mind that I hadn't thought of in years. A long time ago, I was stood up by a boy. Now I know it sounds silly and juvenile...and it was, but it also deeply hurt me. I remember how excited I was about this date: how I had carefully planned my outfit, how I had cancelled plans with my best friend - and then, how my heart started to sink when the time neared 9pm and how I knew that he was not coming. And all these years, (subconsciously and consciously) I have been waiting for an apology...some sort of closure, some explanation for what on earth happened?  Yesterday, I let that expectation rot.  I released myself and that person of my expectations. I resigned, "I don't need your apology, my life is complete as is."

And it felt good. No, I wasn't in tears...and I wouldn't consider it a huge "Aha" breakthrough moment. But I waved the white flag of surrender.

Today, I received a message from an old friend. We had a falling-out moment in college and haven't spoken much since. She apologized to me for the loss of our friendship. Today I was in tears. I had never expected an apology from her because I felt that I was responsible for the end of that friendship, and was waiting for the perfect time to apologize myself.  I was deeply touched and humbled by her authenticity, and I was floored by this gift the Universe brought me.  The gift of rekindling a relationship with a friend I deeply love.

Life is so much sweeter, so beautiful, and so wonderfully raw if we live without expectations. Let them rot...they could become the fertilizer for something more beautiful than we ever imagined.

Fear not

I love this quote Rebecca posted on our study group page a couple weeks ago,

"People decide to live a spiritual life, they think it's going to be all flower petals

and incense; but really it's much more like 'I can't eat my dinner because I've just learned
something upsetting about myself.'"

- David Hawkins, Transcending the Mind

I couldn't agree more. I actually feel sick to my stomach right now.  I caught myself in a pattern today.  I've mentioned this before but I am hyper-competitive. Like to the millionth degree. So much so, that I even do it subconsciously: in the Starbucks line, in the mall, on my mat, even in church!

New to our class today were two Forrest Yogis. One girl I had met before, and the other I met for the first time. They were lovely - smiling, beaming, and happy to be there. I enjoyed meeting them but I immediately felt that feeling...the heart pounding competitive, "can you pike," "how good are you," emotion that haunts most of my new experiences and encounters. I caught myself and made a pledge to myself at the beginning of class: keep your eyes on your mat. On YOUR mat. I managed to do that somewhat successfully. But as much as I'm ashamed to admit, class flew by in a blur and I was left with that kind of feeling you get when you park your car because you've arrived at your destination and think "how the fuck did I even get here?" My mind kept conjuring up thoughts like "What if they teach here, and then there's no room for you?," "What if they're better than you?"

And so I used the only tool I had on my way home. I stalked my fear. Then I saw the pattern. I meet someone, I see competition, and a wall immediately goes up. I did this in Community College when I knew there were only two full scholarships available at TCU. I made one good friend and 15 enemies. I did this in Ballet. I wasn't the best and I knew that, so I became one of the mean girls. I went over and over tons of situations until I came to a painful discovery. It started with my sister.  I resented her existence from the moment she was born.  She was a threat to my codependent relationship with my mother. I thought she would take my mom's attention away from me.  

But she has never come close to doing so. She has always loved me, and always been there for me. She protected me from my nightmares as I would sneak into her room so I wouldn't have to sleep alone. She always defended me when my parents were upset, and she was and is the biggest supporter of any leap I've taken in this life.  I don't see her as competition anymore, but I do see that our relationship is not where I'd like it to be because so early on I allowed fear to take the steering wheel.  

And then I looked deeper.  Why was I so scared that my sister would take my mother away? Why am I scared of meeting new people? What's the big deal? There will always be someone better at handstands, better at back bends, better at eating healthy, better at curling their hair, etc etc. Could I not just set the competition aside and let it go? I'm perfect and enough right where I am today, this second, and the next one.  Competition, building walls, and pushing people away have only hurt my relationships in the past. I want to put those fears aside - better yet, I want to keep stalking them and rewire my mind.

Ok Fear, so what if she wants to teach here? I see your point, let me raise one too - what if she becomes my best friend?

Just keep swimming

So I leave for training a week from today. I'm scared, nervous, excited, anxious....I could go on.
I wonder so many things. How many people will be there? How good are they going to be? Am I good enough? And I don't like to admit that because I am working on accepting that in all moments of my life I am enough.  But I'm human, and I have moments of weakness, and in those moments fear abounds.

"Karmen why do you like yoga?" Rebecca asks in the middle of my practice teaching sun salutations - completely blindsiding me. "uuuuhhhh...."(silence. shit shit shit, I can't think of anything. say anything, lie damnit! but lying isn't an option and its almost like my body can't even do it anymore.) "Because it gets me out of me head!!!" I'm finally able to blurt out, thankful that my body produced a response.

But it's true. I have such a busy mind and its torturous at times. Yoga calms that shit down. People wouldn't believe the crap my mind can conjure up.  Every time I get on a plane (I have a phobia of flying) I imagine how I'm going to die in a plane crash and text my parents and fiance how much I love them right before take off because I'm convinced that I won't survive it; and I strongly feel the need to send those I love you texts so they can have them as my final words.  Much like my plane phobia, I let fears get the best of me a lot of the time. I fear that I won't be the teacher my community needs or wants.

As we study the 6th chakra (the power of the mind), I'm learning the difference between my perception and the illusions I've created to form my reality.  Every single time I finish a round of practice teaching all my classmates cheer and clap...and it's hard for me to accept that they are clapping for me.  But watching and experiencing this out pour of love, acceptance, and encouragement has been like having laser surgery for my cloudy vision.  I'm slowly but surely beginning to see that my peers already perceive me as someone with an ability to help and to teach others.  And it feels good.  It feels great, especially as I move on to my Chicago adventure.

This week I received my animal spirit guide in my energy session with Bridget. An animal spirit guide is a teacher/ mentor/ friend who comes in the form of an animal, to guide you.  And I'm totally excited about this: it's a Sea Turtle!!!  A little bit about my wise friend:

 "These creatures are methodical, determined and patient. Whether they live on land or in the sea

 they represent steady energy and long life. They also both represent independence, travel, and the ability to not be tied down or chained to one place as they both carry their home with them wherever they desire to be. 

They posses strong self-protection in the form of their home shells, they can pull their extremities into their shell which offers them safety from outside threats." 

My fears are not gone. I'll probably always walk with them, but I can choose to let them create my reality or I can choose to see right through the illusions they create.  As training approaches, I know the fears will come and go.  That's the nature and beauty of this life.  But I won't allow my fears to paralyze me.  Instead, in honor of my friend the sea turtle,  "Just keep swimming," will be my motto for the next two months.

 

Follow your Throat

Follow your heart throat.

That's right. We have moved on to the throat Chakra.  My feelings towards this one vary from excitement to fear.

Have you ever had the feeling that there is something you need to do? No particular reason for it, but you know it's just something you should do? If you're like me you might run it by your fears first:

"How will I make money if I leave this job?"
"Who will love me if I leave my boyfriend?"
"If I stop running, will I gain weight?"
"What if I say no (which is what I really want to say) and then my friends don't like me anymore?"

These questions are symptomatic of one who leads with fear not FAITH. Something I'm trying to change as I move into the next chapter of my life.

How can you not???  Is a question that now pops up for me when I look at guidance and willpower. I'll do my best to illustrate.

example 1: Boyfriend number 1 - we got  to a point in our relationship in which we were together simply out of comfort.  I had this feeling (ahem guidance) that I should break up with him...but I didn't, in fear that I would lose something so comfortable. So what happened? As I've written before, I cheated on him multiple times until our relationship came to a painful end.

There is never a perfect time for change. Don't wait for it...it won't come. If you make the change yourself, you will feel alive again. It will be worth it.

example 2: Career number 1 - I've always wanted to be an actress. So, after graduating from college I followed the American Dream and moved to L.A. to become a star. After a two year struggle with energy sucking people, talentless schemers, and slave driving side jobs I started to get this feeling that maybe I should leave Los Angeles. So what happened? I didn't trust Divine will. "I will not be a failure" I kept telling myself, loading on the self-judgement.  But the Divine had another plan for me.  I got sick, got into 3 huge car accidents, and got robbed. Finally I surrendered to Divine will and moved away.

After leaving Los Angeles, I felt lost and I felt like a loser. I didn't know what to do with my life. I was embarrassed but I must admit I also felt relieved.  I spent some months in total confusion, with no set career path or ambitions. This is when life got FUCKING awesome.

I knew I couldn't sit at home all day in my parents' house so I got a job in retail at lululemon. One day one of my leaders at the store took me out to lunch to meet a yoga instructor. "She's badass," I remember her saying.  And she was. She was more than badass, she was and is a walking talking inspiration.  I had always contemplated teaching yoga but fear (that trusty bastard) always chimed "you won't make enough money."  After lunch we took Rebecca's class at Karmany and I was hooked.  Three months later I signed up for teacher training with Ana Forrest.

I'm not gonna lie. I'm scared and I'm nervous. Fear is making it's best attempts "You won't ever be as good as Amber or Rebecca."  But I'm also pretty damn excited.  And it took some courage. And it took a LOT of willpower; It took giving up coffee!!!

I'm sure my parents would rather me be a doctor or a lawyer.  There are people who ask, "You went to Stanford, and you're going to be a Yoga Teacher??" Fuck yeah I am.

How can I not follow my dream???

Be honest with yourself...say the things you need to say, do what you need to do. Trust your intuition, and surrender to the Divine. Even if you don't believe in anything...surrender.  We only get one life, make it BADASS!